Most relationships have ongoing conflicts that feel unresolvable, maybe it's about parenting, finances or certain behaviors. Some of these conflicts move out of a discussion and into heated debates, frustration, avoidance of the situation, anger and both partners feeling hurt, emotionally drained, unheard or even unloved. These hot points of conflict are one of the hardest areas for most couples. Arguing about a topic can be draining and frustrating, and since the topic feels like there is no solution it becomes more irritating. The feeling of stuckness, that partners experience in the situation may lead to avoiding discussion on the topic or the opposite behavior of escalating quickly when discussing the topic. Often the argument rolls into other parts of the relationships leading to more conflict. It can feel like an endless uphill battle, however let’s take a look at some conflict resolution tips researched at the Gottman Institute on better communication in a conflict.
Generally, we come from different family systems and have different life and trauma experiences that can contribute to how we interact with our partner and how we live in a relationship. We don’t get to attend a class in college called “How to Handle Conflict in Relationships” and often it’s just expected that we will somehow magically learn to handle the hard parts of a relationship. Learning how to deal with conflict is a skillset and like any other skill it requires practice.
Softening the Startup
When communicating on a conflict it's easy to feel angry, sad, fearful and even attacked and frequently both partners experience all these feelings. If partners can learn to gently start the conversation instead of launching in to the conflict, partners may be more receptive to discuss the conflict.
Tips on Soft Startups
1. Try keeping criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness out of the conversation and stay in a more objective place. These behaviors are known as the four horseman and if present in a relationship will likely cause major problems and from research we know that they can lead to divorce.
Example of four horsemen:
Jack: “The house is a mess, why can’t you clean it up during the day when you are here?” (contempt and criticism)
Jill “You never do anything in this house but blame me for being a bad mother. I am not going to talk about this.” Then Jill storms out of the room (defensiveness and stonewalling)
2. Remove the blame from your partner during the conversation, but state what is bothering you. Try to think of the issue as what you are feeling followed by what you would like in the future. Now you may have to compromise on what you actually get, but stating your feelings and needs is important.
Example:
Jack: “When I come home and you haven’t cleaned up ….” (Not good – remove the blame “you” statement)
Jack: “When I come home to a mess, it makes me feel anxious. What can I do to help this situation?”
Jill is likely to be more responsive to talking because she does not feel attacked.
3. Using “I” statements can help take the heat out of a conflict.When you focus on your feelings and needs, you are less likely to blame or wander into four horsemen territory and less likely to sound attacking.
Example:
Jack: “The house is a mess, why can’t you clean it up during the day when you are here?”
Versus
Jack: “When I come home to a mess, it makes me feel anxious. What can I do to help this situation?”
4. Stay objective. Describe that you feel and see. Explain your internal experience to your partner, this also helps with staying away from the word “you". Stating “you” will immediately put your partner on the defensive.
5. Recognizing your partner’s efforts on the situation can help reduce the feeling of being attacked. In turn, consider starting the discussion by being appreciative of what your partner has been doing.
Jack “Thanks for doing the dishes, I know you had a busy day.”
Jill “Yes, my boss was in a bad mood and the kids had gymnastics today.”
Jack: “When I come home to a mess, it makes me feel anxious. What can I do to help this situation?”
6. Don’t let things build up internally.
If you stew in your upset state and choose to say nothing, the tension will likely continue to increase instead of dissipate. Over time the conflict may actually inflate internally to a state that is out of proportion and you will eventually have a meltdown or blow up.
7. Listen with curiosity. One of the most underrated conflict skills is listening. Often we get caught up in making our point and being heard and in turn we stop listening to our partner. Listening with curiosity means trying to understand where our partner is coming from and how they see the situation. Sometimes the act of listening isn’t about finding a solution at that exact moment but letting your partner know you respect their opinion. Being heard in a relationship can help create stronger bonds and is more likely to diffuse tension in a conflict because the partners feel heard and not attacked.
There are some conflicts that do not have an easy resolution and can feel like a stuck place in the relationship. A couples trained licensed therapist can help couples move out of the stuckness and find resolution or at least new skills that can cause relief from the topic of conflict.
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